I have heard that writing in a blog should almost be like keeping a journal. You should open yourself up because it helps people to connect with you. Give people advice and be an expert in what you know! Ok, while I do appreciate that part of blogging, tonight I find myself using this post as a release. So be warned, this is a very personal post reflecting something that I struggle greatly in.
Today almost comes as a cruel joke. A test in how serious I am about my 2018 goals.
Let me preface with this…
Last night during our monthly HellaBella Huddle via video conference, we ran a very important exercise. This exercise had all of us reflecting on 2017 and setting goals for 2018. Amy and I did this exercise last week and found it extremely beneficial and wanted to share it with our Bellas. So we did! This was one of the things to reflect on…
Name three things you need to let go of in 2018…
I had my three things listed but only shared one as our clients wrote their own answers. Which one did I share you ask?
My number one answer: “People that suck.”
Let me explain. You know those people that always say they truly care about others and helping others at full capacity but they are usually in it to make money and masking it with the “touchy feelies”? Yeah, that’s not me. I truly and deeply care for people. Not even just people I know and love. People that are strangers, people I don’t even know. I don’t know why exactly, but I have always felt like it’s my life’s purpose to love on people and help them with everything I have. If they have a need, I try to fill it. I’m not trying to tell you I’m Mother Teresa. I’m just being completely honest about who I am. I have always felt that if you have the capability to help, then you should. If you have the money to give, then give. If you have the knowledge to provide, then provide it. If you have more than you need, give it to those that don’t. Giving and offering who I am to people, is how I show them I love them and truly care about them. I genuinely and truly need to help people to feel like I have a valid place in this world and I matter. It’s my purpose. This doesn’t mean it’s healthy, it’s just who I am.
Now this is where I go very wrong. While my heart is open and ready to give to others, this also means it is wide open for those who could just suck me completely dry and not even give a damn. So as you may have guessed, this happens today. I truly give as much as I can to help someone. I give to them in every way I can. I get excited because I know I can help them with their health and wellness. They are so severely overweight that it is dangerous and life-threatening. As Amy and I develop a plan, we are feeling so good about presenting this plan and change their life. No sooner do we give what we have, that we get slapped in the face with incredibly mean and hurtful comments about how we could be doing more. I feel like a child that has been discipled severely but doesn’t understand what they did. I’m confused. What happened? What could I have done better? Why is she being so mean and hurtful? My heart drops and I find myself recoiling into a dark and saddened place. How could I let someone I don’t even know cause so much uncertainty within myself?
Unfortunately, this is not a foreign feeling to me. I honestly don’t understand mean people. My brain and heart cannot wrap around it. I try so hard to understand by saying things to myself like…
- They are unhappy, Kelsey. Give them a break.
- You have a good heart, Kels. Stay true to that.
- They need a punching bag, Kelsey. It’s not you, it’s them.
- They are not like you Kelsey and you can’t control that.
- Some people just take and they don’t care who they hurt. Let it go.
- They don’t deserve your energy or time if this is how they treat you, Kels.
I say these things to myself every time this happens but I still feel sad and deflated for much longer than I should. This is something I am working on within myself. I know I can’t invest my feelings into people that suck me dry, so why do I let it bother me so much? Why do I let these people that I don’t even know, hurt me and make me question myself and my own intent and heart? Why do I let it slip into my home and my role within my own family?
To be honest, I don’t have an answer to these questions. What I do know, is that I need to reflect on this and make this even more of a focus in 2018. My husband and children are amazing. They know I wear my heart on my sleeve and they know when I need a hug and encouragement. They all snuggled the heck out of me tonight with kind words and kisses. My bestie gave me great advice that I need to get framed and pasted on my forward. She said, “Will this matter in 10 minutes? Will this matter in 10 days? Will this matter in 10 years?” If the answer is “no” to any of those, cope with the situation and move on.
I am now publicly expressing…this is my ultimate goal for 2018! Invest in those that truly matter and are happy to receive my support and attention. Let go of those who don’t. It’s that simple.
If anyone out there has suggested books to read, articles to check out or anything that is of value in this category, I am all ears! I am starting this self-love project right now and won’t look back until I have bettered myself in 2018. Thanks for listening and good luck to you with your 2018 goals as well. Let’s keep each other posted on our progress!